newstrideca

I was being promoted, I was excelling and living the life I wanted. I would wake up to be the best I could be everyday until I didn’t. I was working 7 days a week as an engineer for one of the big 3 automakers. I loved my work but there was something I knew lingered that was starting to take me over. I didn’t believe in mental health but it was about to take over my world. I was now in a deep depression by this time and I could not get rid of my thoughts. I sought professional help where I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, OCD and OCPD. From this time until now I spent 7 years in a dark cycle. My diagnosis became my life. I tried using it to get better at first but then I gave into it and I thought that was acceptance. Accepting limitations while still wrestling with losing the old version of myself and attempting to take my life. This led me to being on disability for 2 years from my engineering career. I now suffered with rage, disappointment, lack, drug addiction and debt. This was an entire flip from where I was, and even though I ended up here I didn’t know how. It was my diagnosis. I struggled before it but now I became it. Suicidal, mood swings, psychosis and hospitalization. I felt like a bystander to my life, I had lost all control. During this time I was in and out of psychiatrist offices, and therapy sessions. I was on anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, and anti-psychotics yet I felt more dysregulated than ever. Eventually I was picked up by police at my home and involuntarily put into hospital. The thing is, even for what I was aware this made no sense to be. Now I felt betrayed and abandoned. I was locked up in an involuntary maximum security psychiatric ward, a dark hole; looking around I didn’t feel I belonged but I didn’t belong around the able minded either. What happened? A young striving engineer first of my friends to own his house at 23 and now at 33 I am here next to people defecating in the hallways of a hospital. I lost connection with all my friends and a lot of my family. In the hospital I knew I was still there, that young striving engineer that has been lost but how do I peel him out of all this. How do I turn this around? I don’t belong here.

I still had ambition but doubt would over-ride the dreams I wanted to come to life. Before diagnosis I use to feel like I was just carried through my day, things would get done without me giving it great thought but now I thought more than I did. Was it Mania? Are these pills dampening my abilities. Missing the invite to a friends place led to missing deadlines, cancelling a family dinner led to cancelling meetings. My downfall snowballed because of my diagnosis and from what I can tell it is because it gave me excuses, doubt and fear. The negative beliefs I worked away and committed to overcoming before were now confirmed with a diagnosis. Yes, I am Bipolar but I don’t need to doubt, fear or be angry. Gratitude for what is, was the start. In the hospital I started being thankful that I had no control over my responsibilities, no need to socialize and thankful I wasn’t suffering as badly as I saw others there. I had time again, I just walked in circles around the ward, doing push-ups and dips being in tune with my body. I forgot that Mind, Body and Soul still had meaning even though I was diagnosed. I let myself believe that what made healthy people healthier was no longer for me but it is the foundation. This was the beginning of my recovery.